Lazyman’s List – Tip No. 4: A little bit of venting and a lot of hot air
by Ashley Akin
I am officially stuck somewhere between turkey-coma and fury-shopping, and I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna go to work, I don’t wanna leave my house, I don’t wanna do anything. It’s cold and yucky and I left my rain jacket at The Green Beetle 5 months ago and now it’s closed so I have nowhere to play darts or eat bone-in pork chops sandwiches or get my girl Sherri to make me squirrel juice AND I have to walk to my car in the rain.
Hmphhh. You better believe my face is so wrenched up in pout mode that I look like a monkey. And not a cute one. A cranky one. (OK, the one in that picture’s still cute, but I assure you, I am not.)
A day like this makes me want to chug coffee, eat soup (which I guess I always want to do), wear fuzzy pajama pants to work and do the absolute minimum while I’m here (which I guess I also always want to do, but shut up and don’t judge me). In light of my mood, I don’t want to charge you with anything that would require even a moderate amount of effort, so I’ve come up with a task so easy that even Wayne from The Wonder Years wouldn’t bother forcing Kevin to do it.
OK, that reference is random, even for me. I’ve recently become addicted to the HUB Network (yes, I know it’s for children), and The Wonder Years is still fan-freaking-tastic. Wayne, I’ve also learned from my friend Dunny, is alive and well and living in Nashville with his well-endowed wife, trimmed-down waistline and quite the tequila fetish. (He’s also apparently lost the blonde “mushroom-hairdo” as Dunny so aptly put it, so that automatically makes me want to punch him in the face less.) In short, he’s not the Wayne of the olden days, but he sounds kind of awesome nonetheless.
Anyway, the simple task I’m assigning is this: walk around your house and make sure you don’t have any drapes or furniture blocking heating vents or your radiator. That’s it. I would go into some grand explanation (that I just learned from Googling the Interwebs), but, as I’ve mentioned every other sentence in this post, I don’t wanna. It’s good old common sense – You block the heat, the heat won’t come out. And then you’ll be cold and have to pay more money because you’re pumping more heat and that will give you the pouty monkeyface. And yours won’t be cute either.
Plus, I’d imagine it’s a pretty big freaking hazard to have blankets or drapes or your fuzzy pajama pants or whatever slopped all on top of your heating vents (that’s why I never take mine off). I think it’s probably as stupid as leaving Christmas lights on while you’re sleeeping, which, incidentally, I used to do ALL the time.
I don’t do this anymore because I have a dog and am terrified of killing her in our sleep. Let’s Dr. Phil that for a moment, shall we? I’m terrified of killing her. I have never been concerned about losing all of my personal belongings in a fire, burning myself to a crisp, or single-handedly becoming the demise of any of the various apartment complexes I’ve lived in.
But one tiny smush-faced animal? I sleep with my (one good) eye open, fully ready to fight off murderers or fires, whichever attacks us first. To be fair, she is the laziest animal in the world (my mother calls her a “stuffed animal with a heartbeat”) and would undoubtedly just lie there while the flames engulfed her, so I have reason to be overly concerned, but still. I think my priorities may be slightly off.
So that’s it for me. I’m off to caffeine my way through the rest of this day and then return home to my fuzzy pants and my fuzzy dog. And if you’d like to waste the rest of your day looking for some fuzzies of your own, I can help… With the pants, not the dog – she came from a shelter in Viola, TN that makes Deliverance look like Club Med, so you’re on your own with that. Check out all kinds of fuzzy bottoms here. Ugh, that sounded gross. Monkeyface.