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Don’t Waste Your Energy, Gwyneth. We Don’t Like You Anyway.

June 17, 2010

by Ashley Akin

It is no great secret to anyone who knows me that I despise Gwyneth Paltrow. Not the actress Gwyneth Paltrow because she’s actually been quite good in many things: in Shallow Hal as a skinny-girl-playing-a-fat-girl-but-also-kinda-playing-a-skinny-girl; in The Royal Tenenbaums as a monotone chain smoker with pseudo-incestuous tendencies; and even in Se7en as the supportive detective’s wife who winds up with her head in a box (that was FedExed to the desert, no less – Will someone ask Fred Smith if they would really deliver there? I mean, no P.O. boxes, but a blood-seeping package to a remote desert location? Sure!).

No, it is the person Gwyneth Paltrow that I take such offense to, and my hatred is threefold. One: her blog GOOP where she talks about cashmere dog beds and impromptu trips to Morocco as though that’s what everyone does on a Tuesday. Two: her incessant use of British slang – Gwyneth, you married a British person, you did not have a heritage transplant. Saying things like “bollocks” and “bloody hell” makes you sound like a pretentious moron. Three: her hypocritical environmentalism. Yep, Smallest Users, you heard it here first: Gwyneth Paltrow “loves” saving energy according to her (nauseating) blog, but not according to her actual life.

As reported by The Times (a British newspaper, so she’s probably deeply troubled that her “own people” are after her), her $2.5 million home in England wastes 1,020 kilowatt hours per year. Just to put that in perspective, a 60-watt bulb used for one hour consumes 0.06 kilowatt hours of electricity. Therefore, a person would have to leave 32 lamps burning 24-hours-a-day for an entire year to waste that amount of energy. And that, dear Gwyneth, makes you a bit of a “wanker.”

Now I know, Smallest Users, the you have no desire to tread the Paltrow path, so I’ve found one easy way you can steer clear of her fate. You know that flat screen in your den that you watched Great Expectations on? C’mon guys, you know that movie – it’s the one your girlfriend made you watch that sounded all literary but ended up being totally awesome because Gwyneth spent half of it being drawn naked? (And why are women in movies always so willing to be drawn naked? That picture from Titanic looked like my nephew could have done it. Hint: Every guy is “an artist” if you’re willing to take your top off.) Anyway, even after Ms. Havisham died and you turned off the TV, it continued to use 85% of the amount of energy it did while it was on.

That’s a whole lot of power to expend for an empty black screen. So here’s the easy way to fix it: the Smart Strip. It works just like any power strip but it senses when devices are off and automatically stops the flow of power. You don’t even have to flip a switch. Still need more of an incentive? It costs about $25 but can save you up to $30 a month on your bill. Go ahead and do the math on the one-year savings for yourself; Mama’s tired from coming up with all the Gwyneth references.

Basically, the strip is cheap and easy, and since  Platinum closed down, it’s the only cheap and easy strip you’re gonna find around these parts. Yep, just went there. Furthermore, Oprah endorses it, and I’m pretty sure it’s a law in the U.S. that she tells us what is and is not good for us. Don’t like that, America? Well then go back to England. And take Gwyneth with you.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Laws permalink
    June 18, 2010 5:25 pm

    Akin, you are my hero.

  2. dewitt permalink
    June 21, 2010 8:07 am

    Awesome… environmentally conscious while bashing a hollywood type.

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